Pat Dryburgh

last night was incredible. led worship at a youth outreach event in st. catherines. it was at a huge church called niagara celebration church, pastored by peter youngren. it was an amazing event, with probably 100+ mostly unchurched kids out. they had a huge inflatables section, ping pong and other sweet games, and a great youth worship band. we rocked out for a good hour, finishing our set off by inviting their youth band on stage to play “everyday” with us. it was amazing.

it was one of those nights where anything that you wish wouldn’t happen did. ty had some major troubles getting to the show, and the sound wasn’t great, but the spirit and what God was doing in the kids hearts and in my own was truly amazing.

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i often wonder what people are thinking when they come to my xanga. i mean, they seem me post every day pretty much, there must be some sort of thoughts running through their had concerning me.

i wonder if people think that with the last few posts that i’ve been trying to act like ‘everything’s alright’ in terms of my relationship with God. i wouldn’t say things are ‘alright,’ but i would say that progress is being made. i guess, that’s really what it’s about. that there’s some sort of forward movement going on, in terms of my understanding of God and myself. i’m trying to find the ways in my life that i’ve never before thought to connect God to, and it’s been interesting for sure. the last two posts have been about those kinds of things.

i then wonder if some people think that i’m just putting on an act, and that i’m really not a christian anymore or whatever because of some of the things i’ve said in the past, or things i’ve done. i’ve started reading “mere christianity” by c.s. lewis (again), and he pointed out that the word Christian in the bible simply meant that someone accepted the orthodox beliefs held common by all other believers of Christ. this isn’t to say that there weren’t good christians and bad christians (or to say that there aren’t now), but simply that the word Christian doesn’t need to have any sort of ‘deeper’ meaning that would reflect someone’s behaviour rather than simply their creed. their behaviour can be described as either positive or negative, rather than revoking or instilling the word “Christian” to someone based on their behaviour. so, in the sense of being a Christian in terms of belief, i would say that i am. i still believe in the death and resurrection of Christ, the forgiveness of the saints, the father, son, holy spirit, etc.

what i struggle with is behaviour. not that i’m going out getting drunk every single night, or that i’m committing adultery or murder or any one particular sin. more that i’m not where i’d like to be with God in terms of relating to him. i want to be able to talk with him for hours, simply talking, listening, writing and singing. i want to write songs that give him praise, rather than myself or a girl or whatever. not because i think doing the latter is wrong, but only because i want to use whatever gifts i have for him. and since i don’t have much, i figure i better give him lots of what i do have.

i also want to journal again. the last journal i had i believe i lost in nashville. i think the last journal i wrote was how much i hated being in hello kelly and how much i wanted to be back with sarah. well, clearly some things have changed, namely the wanting to be back with sarah (i’m so over both sarah and kelly now). i just wish i could write the thousands of thoughts that run through my head. wait…i guess that is what i’m doing…right now. only you can read this, and though you won’t comment or respond (which i’m ok with, i’m just making an observation), i will continue to write.

i just ask that you please don’t judge me on what i write. what i put into words on here are not well planned out. i don’t have an outline to follow, or a three-point message to give. i just have thoughts, and a few thousand english words at my disposal. i’ll try to use as many as i can, but if i don’t get to them all, i’m sorry.

thanks for reading.

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i’ve struggled with the question of whether or not God hears our prayers when we pray. i don’t mean it in a systematic theology way, i mean it in a real, emotional/spiritual way. in my heart, i want to believe that he hears what i ask, but so many times it seems like my requests don’t quite make it to the throne room. i then wonder “am i asking the right things?” “am i asking the right way?” “should i be praying for something else rather than my own needs? is God concerned with my worries?”

i was reading a magazine today that had a question that felt like the one i had asked so many times. it went on to talk about psalms 22. david sang “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? … O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer.”

it seems like this feeling is felt across the world. i think of the people in africa who must feel like their pleas for rescue continue to go unheard. i think of the teenagers around the world who suffer through depression and loneliness, wondering if there’s anyone in the world who could reach and save them. i think of the parents who have a child who is sick, or even a child who is missing. or the single mom who’s working three jobs just to feed their children. or the father who’s been widowed who feels that they now have a huge void to now fill.

i wonder if God hears these prayers, and then i read the next verse.

Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the praise of Israel.

it isn’t easy to honestly say, but i do believe God is in control and that he does hear our prayers. it sucks that not always are the answers we expect to receive the answers that God knows is best for us. but i look back at the last year, the character i’ve built, the person i’ve become. i wouldn’t be this strong if i hadn’t walked through the flames. i wouldn’t be this concerned for my friends if i hadn’t lost them all. i wouldn’t have felt God running after me if i hadn’t run away.

i don’t pray God would listen, cos he already is. i pray that i would listen, to him and to people who need to hear from God, cos i think he speaks through me and through other people way more than through signs in the stars.

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right now i’m looking for a new church. i went to harvest bible chapel which is held at oakridge secondary school. it turns out that it’s actually the old southwest community church with a new name, which i thought was cool. i’m not 100% sold on it, obviously after only one visit. i guess i’m just hesitant because of some of the things the pastor talked about. he was very condemning of a lot of other churches, which whether he’s right or not is irrellevent. our goal should be to uplift, not knock down. yeah, it’s easy to say, but maybe that’s the problem. a lot of things that are easy to say are hard to do.

tonight i talked with an old friend about his church. he is a creative arts pastor at new hope community church just outside london (very close to where I live). he told me he’d love to see me come along with the worship team, however i’d have to attend the church for 3 months before i could join the team. that is not a problem for me, as i agree that there needs to be some sort of commitment to the church before there’s a commitment to ministering there. but, i’m excited because i’m finally going to be able to use my gifts again, something i’ve missed since i left stoney creek baptist to follow my ‘dream’ of being a ‘rock star.’

this last week i’ve been reminded of something that corrie kessler said to me over a year ago. she said if i don’t use the gifts God’s given me, he’s going to take them away. i struggled for a long time with the worship leader/rockstar thing, and she gave me the best direction i could’ve asked for. however, because i’m hard-headed and stubborn, i managed to ignore her advice and followed my stupid dreams instead. well, that came back to bite me hard. and over the last few months i’ve been paying the price.

tonight, i wrote a chorus line for the first worship song i’ve written in probably a year. it’s nothing amazing, or special, but it’s true.

“i don’t know what i’d do without you in my life.”

i don’t know what i’d do with God. it sounds so corny, and i’ve fought it probably harder than most, but somehow i can’t escape him. wait a second…i think there’s a story about this in the bible…

God, please use me for your purpose. Whatever your plan, wherever you plan to take me, please take me. All of me. Amen.

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i’m in my apartment. it’s been four straight days now, and i love it. the freedom, the independence, the sense of ownership over my own life. i come and go as i choose. i cook my own food. i have had friends over, knowing that i don’t have to hide in the basement to avoid interuptions from siblings. it’s been so great, and really refreshing.

i went to work at starbucks for the first time in almost a month. it was really weird walking in, seeing people working i had never met before. but, i guess that’s what happens when you’re gone; you miss things.

it’s weird not being at camp anymore, knowing i won’t ever be going back as a counsellor. to literally hundreds of kids, that was my identity. to dozens of fellow leaders, it was the friend they knew every summer. to me, i knew that i could be me at camp. i could ask tough questions not because i thought anyone had an exact answer, but because collectively we could at least put words to some of the thoughts i struggle with in my head.

i’ve realized lately that i’m tired of settling for the mundane. in every aspect of my life in the past, i’ve allowed mediocrity to be the standard. i’m not going to let that happen anymore. in my work, my business, i’m going to put in all the energy i can. in my music, i won’t settle for ok. i will write and write until i write a few great songs, and when i go to the studio soon to record them, i will expect that the end result will be amazing. in my future relationships with a girl, i will not accept just waiting around for something to happen. i will make things happen. i will be the catylist.

i will be the catylist. i like that.

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so this weekend was kinda crazy. 3 shows in 18 hours. haha, but it was fun.

the first was at GTA. Matty Johnston and Trevor Howard played too, which was fun. The next was at gasp a bar. It was Paris Burning’s cd release party, and it was a blast! Met some great people, had a good time. Didn’t drink any (don’t worry, mom) only cos I don’t drink when I sing.

The next day I loaded up in a car with my amazing friends Kevin and Jenn, and headed out to Hanover to play with my other awesome friends, Dave and Tyler. My New Obsession took the stage after a 4 month break, and it was a lot of fun! I was worried a bit, but after a few glitches we pulled through and rocked it like we do.

Today I went to church. It was about Father’s day, obviously. It was alright. I’m kinda getting bored, just sitting there. I need to be involved. But, I guess one day.

anyways, that’s all for today. happy father’s day dad. and happy birthday mom.

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Well, I am down here in Nashville right now, soaking in the Gospel Music Association’s Music Week. It has been incredible so far, and it’s only been two nights! Tonight we shared a time of worship with lead worshippers Charlie Hall, David Crowder, and Chris Tomlin, with a fantastic message from Louie Giglio about the supremacy of Jesus. It was one of the most refreshing times of worship I have had in a long time.

After the worship time was a very intimate Songwriter’s Showcase featuring acoustic performances of this year’s best songs. Artists included Third Day, Matthew West, Joy Williams, Bebo Norman, Mark Hall of Casting Crowns, and many more.

We’ve also been meeting up with some home-grown bands, including Manic Drive, Starfield (who is releasing a new album in May), Jon Steingard of Hawk Nelson (who is releasing their new album on Tuesday), and a few more. We’ve also been hooking up with lots of artists and companies here in the US. It’s been a great experience so far, and we’ve got about 3-4 more days to go!

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I woke up at 8:30. This is a sleep in for me now-a-days. It was dream-worthy. I cleaned up my room, cleaned up myself, put some clothes on, went to the bank, got some money, paid my dad, and left home at around 10.

I got to Orangeville around noon, but had no idea where Francois’ place was. I text messaged him, and just drove around town a bit, trying to find roads I recognized (there were none).

Francois and James rescued me at around 12:30. We met up with Mike, and had some lunch at Wendies. At around 1, we made our way to Owen Sound. We were supposed to be there around 2:30, but no one was at the church when we showed up, so we went for some Tim’s. I got a gross hot chocolate that Francois liked, so he had some. I didn’t win anything.

We set up and sound checked in a few hours…Manic Drive was having some problems with their Moog, which was too bad. But, once everything was set up and ready to go, we just hung out in the back room, ate some pizza, and just chilled before we hit the stage. Francois and I went to the washroom to do some last minute prep work, and when we came out, realized that the rest of the band were already on the stage.

We came on, and the show began. 7 songs later, the set was done.

We hung out for quite a while with the fans, and just had a cool time chillin. We went to Montana’s after (my first time) and it was really good. Francois bought him, me and James a deep-fried cheesecake, and it was delicious.

We got back to O-Ville around 1:30, and fell asleep around 2.

My first Hello Kelly show.

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I want to live in the city. Not in the big houses in the city, or in one of those towns who have been eaten up by the city. I want to live right in the city, in the downtown. I want to know that at any given moment, a chafeur is ready and waiting at my door (with a 50ft bus in tow). I want to know that down the street, there’s a coffee shop that me and my friends (with whom I have highly intellectual conversations with) can hang out at, and order “the regular.” I want to know that outside my door is someone who is in need, who I have the ability (and hopefully the compassion) to help. I want to know that my girlfriend can come over any time she’d like, whether it’s right after school, or late at night after a fight with her folks. I want to be independent. I want to be free.

I’m trying to work on writing music again. I’ve been writing for my band, which is great, but I want to write for myself for a bit. I want to see how I can apply the things I’ve been learning about music can apply to other forms of music. I want to work on my piano again. I want to write a love song. I want to sing.

I am thinking about trying out for Canadian Idol. It’s coming to Waterloo and Toronto. I don’t know if I’d make it or not, but I at least want to give it a try.

Sarah is currently creating a masterful diet for me right now. If it works, I want her to publish it. I’ll be the spokesperson, and she can be the famous writer who gets to travel to the book stores and book clubs and sign people’s copies of first editions. I also want her to follow her dream of opening a coffee shop, so I can have free coffee.

I would really like to find a church in London that has people who are interested in discussing life, being thoughful and caring and intellectual, and yet are also cool people who like to have fun, hang out, spend time together. I really enjoy my time with Kevin and Jenn, but I’d like to find more Kevin and Jenn’s.

I guess I’ll just leave you with this for tonight.

“If my home is where my heart is then my home is in your arms”

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One of the hardest things to remember is that I’m human. I guess it gets lost in the mix; I’m an employee, I’m a boyfriend, I’m a friend, I’m a musician, I’m a designer. In all of these things, I try to be the best I can. Some things are easier than others, and some things are more frustrating than others, but I still hope to do my best in all of them. And yet, being human, at least in the way Jesus saw how a human should be, is not my forté. I don’t love people, in fact, I’ve had a hard time even liking people, even a little bit. I think all day about the areas I’d like to be better at, ie. environmentally friendly, helpful to those in need, etc. and yet, I don’t do anything to get any better.

I’m starting to feel anxious about music. I know that this is what I want to do, but I’m at a loss as to how to go about it. Here’s the conundrum: in order to play music, you must make money; in order to make money, you must work; in order to work, you must agree to work hours that may prohibit you from playing music. See what I mean? I had a good talk with Sarah last night, and I think that if were to be honest with myself and with you, I would have to say that I would honestly like to do music full-time for the rest of my life. I just have to figure out how I can go about that. I know I love playing with my band, and if that is how it will happen, then I am more than happy. The only thing is, I don’t know if the other guys are all on the same page in those terms. I don’t blame them, they have dreams and asparations they’ve had since they were young too. I just hope that possibly our dreams will line up, and we’ll be able to go full out with this and put as much energy as we can into it, so that it WILL become successful.

Anyways, that’s sort of me without a muzzle. Oh, what do you think of the new design? Tres chaud?

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