i often wonder what people are thinking when they come to my xanga. i mean, they seem me post every day pretty much, there must be some sort of thoughts running through their had concerning me.

i wonder if people think that with the last few posts that i’ve been trying to act like ‘everything’s alright’ in terms of my relationship with God. i wouldn’t say things are ‘alright,’ but i would say that progress is being made. i guess, that’s really what it’s about. that there’s some sort of forward movement going on, in terms of my understanding of God and myself. i’m trying to find the ways in my life that i’ve never before thought to connect God to, and it’s been interesting for sure. the last two posts have been about those kinds of things.

i then wonder if some people think that i’m just putting on an act, and that i’m really not a christian anymore or whatever because of some of the things i’ve said in the past, or things i’ve done. i’ve started reading “mere christianity” by c.s. lewis (again), and he pointed out that the word Christian in the bible simply meant that someone accepted the orthodox beliefs held common by all other believers of Christ. this isn’t to say that there weren’t good christians and bad christians (or to say that there aren’t now), but simply that the word Christian doesn’t need to have any sort of ‘deeper’ meaning that would reflect someone’s behaviour rather than simply their creed. their behaviour can be described as either positive or negative, rather than revoking or instilling the word “Christian” to someone based on their behaviour. so, in the sense of being a Christian in terms of belief, i would say that i am. i still believe in the death and resurrection of Christ, the forgiveness of the saints, the father, son, holy spirit, etc.

what i struggle with is behaviour. not that i’m going out getting drunk every single night, or that i’m committing adultery or murder or any one particular sin. more that i’m not where i’d like to be with God in terms of relating to him. i want to be able to talk with him for hours, simply talking, listening, writing and singing. i want to write songs that give him praise, rather than myself or a girl or whatever. not because i think doing the latter is wrong, but only because i want to use whatever gifts i have for him. and since i don’t have much, i figure i better give him lots of what i do have.

i also want to journal again. the last journal i had i believe i lost in nashville. i think the last journal i wrote was how much i hated being in hello kelly and how much i wanted to be back with sarah. well, clearly some things have changed, namely the wanting to be back with sarah (i’m so over both sarah and kelly now). i just wish i could write the thousands of thoughts that run through my head. wait…i guess that is what i’m doing…right now. only you can read this, and though you won’t comment or respond (which i’m ok with, i’m just making an observation), i will continue to write.

i just ask that you please don’t judge me on what i write. what i put into words on here are not well planned out. i don’t have an outline to follow, or a three-point message to give. i just have thoughts, and a few thousand english words at my disposal. i’ll try to use as many as i can, but if i don’t get to them all, i’m sorry.

thanks for reading.