In two days I leave for camp. I have a feeling I will be regreting my decision to no longer continue my studies in youth ministry once the summer is up.

I’m trying to figure out what it means to be real. I watched the Shai Awards the other night (the Canadian Christian music awards). There was a group (featuring Manafest) that did a song called “Real.” Basically, it was a whole song going on and on about how they are real, and that other rappers aren’t, and that they are real cos they know Christ. I’m sorry, but if you need a whole song about how real you are, you are obviously not very real. That’s like me writing a whole song about how I can write songs.

So, I’ve been reading Blue Like Jazz again. I borrowed it from Grace (the man) earlier in the year, but had to give it back before I was done as he was leaving. So, I have finally gotten myself a copy. Once again, the chapter on grace (not the man) has brought me to a place where I don’t know where to go next. I see myself in Mr. Miller’s writing. I’ve been the pharisee, I’ve rejected grace because I thought I could do it on my own. I’m trying to see myself as someone who physically needs grace, as in someone who literally cannot make ends meet on their own, and I don’t know how well I’d deal with it. I’m so comfortable with how my life is going; good job, good girl, good friends. I don’t know what I’d do if I were like Job and lost everything. I’d probably turn my back on God, forgetting all the times he’s been so faithful to me.

Anyways, as I said. In two days I leave for camp. Have a good summer.